I’ve always been a people pleaser, especially when it comes to people I love. I like to be the helper and to be there for people when they need it the most. I take pride in my reliability and loyalty. I’m also an empath, and the combination of these two things often leave me feeling physically, mentally, and emotionally drained. I ultimately end up spending too much time and energy worried about how everyone else is doing instead of taking care of my own needs.
At some point, I have to ask myself, “Would they do the same for me if the roles were reversed?”
If the answer is “no”, it’s time to reevaluate the relationship all together. If the answer is circumstantial, the relationship still needs to be reevaluated. This doesn’t necessarily mean you have to walk away entirely, it just means that the scales are unbalanced and that needs to be rectified. I have no problem using my cup to fill yours, but I should never feel obligated to empty mine into anyone else’s, especially without any reciprocation.
Setting boundaries is hard. Saying “no” to the ones you love when all you want to do is take care of them is hard. Walking away from relationships or projects or places that no longer serve you is hard.
And I understand wanting to be compassionate and caring about someone, but to what extent do I need to accept unequal terms as a standard for the relationship until it finally starts to take a toll on me? Or until it’s finally acceptable to say something? And when I finally do say something, will it actually even change anything? Will it make them mad? Are they going to leave because they don’t like what I have to say?
I personally have an especially difficult time setting boundaries because I seek validation through my relationships—familial, platonic, and romantic. This is something I’ve been struggling with since I was young. When I can’t do something for my loved ones or help them, I feel like a failure or as though I’m unworthy of their affection because I’ve disappointed them. I’m fearful that they’ll get angry with me, that they’ll go and find someone else who is better and they’ll leave me behind in the process. It is quite the hateful narrative of self-doubt that I’ve mastered in my head, and it’s because of this narrative that I almost always end up settling for lukewarm, dissatisfying, insignificant relationships that do not serve me the same way I extend myself.
I realized that in order to protect myself and my energy, I needed to become clearer on where I stood in all of my relationships—with acquaintances, coworkers and bosses, my parents, my friends, any love interest that comes my way, and especially my relationship with myself. I realized that I need to take responsibility for my own projections, recognize when I’m being taken advantage of, and decide whether it’s best for me to cut the cord to the relationship altogether or if setting boundaries could salvage it.
Some things to consider:
What are my expectations from this relationship? Are my expectations too high? What do I feel they expect out of me?
Do I feel as though the scales are balanced or is one of us giving more than the other? In what areas are the scales unbalanced: financially, energetically, emotionally, etc?
Are there outside variables that are affecting this relationship in any way? Am I willing to make adjustments in order to make this relationship work? Am I willing to sacrifice anything in order to make this relationship work? (It’s okay to say yes. Just be honest.)
Does this relationship more often leave me feeling loved and fulfilled or confused, hurt, and frustrated? Can I communicate these concerns to this person?
Am I ready to walk away from this relationship if it no longer serves me and my highest good? (It’s okay to say “no”. Just be honest.)
Is this relationship disrupting my routine and/or priorities? Is this relationship propelling me toward my goals or hindering me? Is this relationship aligned with my highest self?
Is this person just a manipulative asshole taking advantage of my empathy?
If I set boundaries, either for myself or for the person(s) involved, will that improve things or should I walk away from this altogether?
The actual act of setting boundaries sounds very simple in theory. Setting boundaries is the purest form of self-care. It’s saying “no” when I don’t feel like doing something or don’t have the energy; putting my phone on “Do Not Disturb”; asking for someone to give me space; not allowing anyone to talk down to me (especially myself); not allowing myself to lurk on their social media; limiting the time that I spend around or talking to certain people that I know drain me; not picking up that extra shift when my boss asks, and so on and so forth.
But it’s really deeper than that. Setting boundaries is also using my voice and speaking up for what I want and need. It’s deciding what I deserve. It’s not allowing others to manipulate me into shifting my standards because they refuse to rise to meet them. It’s valuing myself and my energy in the highest regard. It’s honoring my needs. It’s signaling to the Universe what I’m accepting in order to uplevel.
That’s beautiful.
So ultimately, even if I do have to cut someone off or if they do decide to leave once the dynamics of the relationship change, is it actually a loss?
It’s okay to be sad, but I won’t get stuck there.
The people who actually value me will want to see me value myself and I refuse to accept anything less.
Be strong.
It’s only natural that we want to be popular and liked by others, though this statement might ring the bells of neediness for some people. Others may not care at all what people think about them. However, research and common sense suggest that this sentiment makes us happier.
For most of us, not being liked is somewhat hurtful. And as humans, we are social species, so the need to be around people and the strong feeling of belonging are a very human need and a constant in our emotional wellbeing.
Naturally, building a sense of belonging requires a willingness to connect with similarities, appreciate the differences, and be amicable. Indeed, as intellectual beings, we need to learn traits that expand kinship and nurture reciprocal expressions of fondness.
Surely, we face difficult situations or we have to deal with people that drain our energy and leave us a nervous wreck. And these types of stress raise the risk of health issues, not to mention emotional exhaustion. But then again, the art of being social involves learning how to keep the balance between the relations that are pleasant connections, the challenging ones that make us grow, and the poisonous ones that need disconnection.
Having said that, building a social presence that moves us to the top of the desirable hierarchy of companionship calls for certain qualities, ones that boosts our confidence enough to nurture our attractive inner magnate.
This involves listening with empathy and respect by creating a safe environment for people to open up and feel comfortable. Be curious, be interested, and act as a detective—ask questions not to attack but to understand. These efforts to get on the individual’s wavelength will be cherished. Otherwise, being judgmental brings out animosity, as it takes the form of direct personal attack rather than addressing a situation.
This is one of the hardest qualities to develop, as it entails acceptance that you can be wrong and you don’t have all the answers. However, truly recognizing that every human is equally valuable and has an equal right to be heard is an excellent premise to cultivate such an important trait. Make sure to review your feelings against pride and arrogance, mostly when you have done something good to prevent acting pretentious and vain. Being real and not acting as if you have it all together makes you relatable.
The virtue of rational optimism empowers the mind to search and reach solutions to problems, and without a doubt, it is an attractive trait. Adopting a mental attitude that signals hope and confidence prepares you to see things or situations’ potential values and inspires others to do so. In contrast, pessimism and chronic complaining take you and others to toxic levels that prevent growth and noticing opportunities. Who would not want to be around someone who is forthright about the reality of difficulties but seek out the best outcome in every situation! One that draws a visual perception that setbacks actually change and reminds you that, through the process, the knowledge you attain will give you a clear idea of what it takes to reach your goals so that mountains will appear as molehills.
Helping others see their mistakes or faulty habits is a noble idea; however, many people are not receptive and have utter indisposition to do anything about it. Although specific topics are sensitive and will not always go smoothly, starting a dialogue that encourages reflection and not spitefulness brings the best in any relationship. The discussions should not be about fixing, demonizing, or shaming anyone. Instead, be a good listener, ask questions, recognize their perspective, and help them address their shortcomings, not with harshness or derision but in a Socratic manner.
This is a gift, provided it is not intended to harm or get rid of many of your torments using buffoonery. Humor based on spite or to get a laugh by hurting others is a formula for resentment. Clearly, we all agree that sharing a laugh and introducing humor in our life boosts our coping mechanism and connects well with people. Still, the wit should be comforting and brings a smile to someone’s face. Make sure to think it over before delivering a joke, as humor indeed might be interpreted as offensive.
Being sincerely interested in others is socially attractive. Initiating conversation to learn and expand your knowledge by hanging out with the different crowd with different outlooks in life makes you more interesting. Remember, you don’t have to be fascinated by everyone you meet, and sometimes a minimum exchange of pleasantries works wonders. Incidentally, going beyond small talk, as a self-assured person, you do not seek to impress anyone by highlighting how smart you are or making others feel good by letting them sound smart. What you do instead is make sure you say little, ask questions to learn, and point out the key elements expressed to show your interest in them and their conversation.
You don’t have to agree with people’s opinions and thoughts, but validating their perspective bridges individuals’ communication gap. Not acting on your inner impulse to reject someone’s thoughts or actions just because you disagree with them gives you a badge of the highest attractive person. Mind you, validation is not about abdicating your stance in life but being attentive and seeking to understand others’ aspirations or how they have come up with their ideas.
The most important expression is to smile. It goes a long way; this happy facial expression suggests friendliness, generosity, and inspires trust. Matching it up with your body movement, postures, and eye contact to control the conversation flow are the nonverbal communication skills that support your intention to relate, expand, or strengthen your social relations.
We’re human. We feel things deeply and we feel them often. We have feelings about everything and anything. We’re able to feel fear, pain, happiness, joy, and everything in between. It’s important that we feel through those in-betweens. Take those moments as they come and feel them passionately.
I get it. It’s hard for girls like us who feel EVERYTHING. Not only do we feel everything, but we express those feelings through our actions, words, body language, etc. Ladies, stop apologizing to everyone for feeling a certain way or having feelings in the first place. No one, and I mean no one, can validate your feelings for you. You feel what you feel and you feel through every bit of it.
Stop allowing men in particular to make you feel as if something’s wrong with you for expressing your feelings. You may talk about it, write about it, or do whatever it is that helps you feel through it all. Are your feelings pushing a certain person away? Too damn bad. Aren’t you sick of getting your heart broken by the same dirtbag over and over again? Aren’t you sick of pushing down your feelings for him over and over again? Aren’t you sick of being there time and time again and still being treated like shit? Aren’t you sick of crying over how mean he is to you when you don’t say what he wants you to say? Aren’t you sick of being what he wants when it’s convenient for him?
FEEL THROUGH THAT.
Breathe it in and let it go. Take the feeling that you’re feeling right now and remember that you never want to feel this way again. Remember that you have been through the absolute worse and this is very minute compared to the shit you’ve been through. Remember that anyone who loves you or cares about you wouldn’t want to make you feel this way. So, take this feeling and remember you deserve to feel more.
You deserve more happiness. You deserve butterflies in your stomach and kisses on your forehead. You deserve surprise coffees and snuggles goodnight. You deserve so many more happy feelings instead of the constant feeling of despair.
You deserve people in your life that understand your feelings and want you to express them. You deserve this in every relationship and friendship you have in your life. You deserve to feel like you’re worth more than how you’re being treated, and more importantly, how you’re treating yourself.
You are worth your imperfections, your good days, and your bad. You are worth the headache, constant confusion, and insecurities. You are worth the fights, the love, and tears.
You are worth love and that’s a fact. Stop apologizing for your feelings or for being the girl that feels it all. Embrace who you are and learn to love every single aspect of that. Someone will think the sun shines out of your ass, because it does.
And that’s a fucking fact.
It feels good to get things quickly. Instant gratification feels good for a reason. But the truth is, we usually don’t get everything we want in life all at once. In fact, many things we desire take time, trial and error, and extended effort before we get a certain “thing” or “outcome”. And when we don’t get something right away or as quickly as we may want, it can deplete us into believing we’re not deserving of such things at all.
But that couldn’t be farther from the truth, because you are deserving of great things in life.
So in case you forgot, you deserve to have these things in life:
You deserve a break.
It may feel like you need to constantly be on the go to be productive or successful, but just like many things in life, you too deserve to pause and take a break. A break doesn’t mean you’re calling something quits. It doesn’t mean you are lazy or unfit. It means you honor your ability to rest and recharge. It means your best work happens when you listen to your body and mind instead of external pressure to outwork yourself. You deserve to pause, breathe, and take in all you’ve accomplished before you go full speed again.
You deserve to heal.
Life has its way of breaking us down before we build back stronger. And on the way down, it can feel like the way up is out of reach. But it’s never quite as far as it seems. Whatever has hurt you and whatever you are working through, please remember the pain you are carrying is temporary. You don’t deserve to drag endless pain and suffering around until your end days. You deserve to restore, heal, and shine even brighter than you thought you could. If you are open to change and time to do their work, the healing will happen.
You deserve love.
You see, maybe traditionally love is pictured in a romantic sense: two humans who exchange ‘I love you’s’ and kisses. But love exists in so many different ways. In the way you love yourself. In the way you spend time with nature. In the way you cherish your friendships and family. In the way you feel passionate towards achieving a goal. You deserve all the variations of love that this world can offer. You deserve to feel love and to give love as much as you can. And truthfully, love already exists all around us; you just need to learn how to recognize it.
You deserve a fulfilling life.
Whatever that looks like or what that might mean to you, you deserve to wake up each day with a feeling of peace. Peace because even if everything isn’t always perfect, you are still after a life of excitement. A life where you give more time to things you’re passionate about and less time to the ones that hold you back. A life that you will look back on one day and feel you did everything you wanted and did not let the fear of failure or judgment get in the way. A fulfilling life isn’t just reserved for those with money or a certain lifestyle. It is meant for you, me, and everyone else on this earth if you just believe it and start working towards it too.
You deserve the absolute world.
You deserve everything and anything you really set your mind to. Please do not let the day-to-day hustle and bustle of our distraction-filled lives make you forget that.
When it feels like life is pulling you in a dozen different directions, the way you get focused is by realizing that you simply cannot care about everything.
You were not built to carry the weight of the entire world on your shoulders, even when that world is simply within your own four walls.
There is no requirement upon you to do everything perfectly, all of the time. You do not have to manipulate every experience into its maximum potential, you do not have to complete every imaginable task that sounds worthwhile in a day, in a week, in a month.
What you have to do is decide what’s going to matter to you, and then you have to let go of everything else.
When you don’t, you offer up more of your life to managing your tension and discomfort than you do the things you actually want to create. You spread yourself so thin that not enough energy is given to anything to really make it work.
You end up not with a life perfected, but a life in pieces.
You end up with half-starts and full stops, everything sort of empty and yourself never really full. You end up with a life you pieced together out of obligation and fear, not one you grew and nourished out of love and inspiration.
And it shows.
It shows through every crack of every moment that you spend rushing to the next task, treating your entire existence like a to-do list that you just have to get to the bottom of — except there is no bottom, and the only thing you’re possibly running toward is death.
The most positive and productive decision you could ever make for your life is simply to choose what is going to matter to you and then to let go of everything that isn’t that.
This isn’t to say that you neglect your responsibilities simply because the rote tasks of life management aren’t atop your value list, but that you find ways to automate, outsource, carve out specific days to handle them so that you free up the rest of your time.
It’s to say that you spend your days focused solely on the most important place your energy and attention might go.
Because what nobody tells you is that it’s not how many things you accomplish in a day, but the spaces where your energy is most consistently concentrated that give you the best outcomes in life.
It’s not that you do a hundred things halfheartedly, but that you pick a handful and give it your all.
This means that you allow yourself to be imperfect.
This means that you acknowledge you are not, and no longer desire to be, the absolute best at anything you do.
And if you are an ambitious person, it will be humbling to admit you don’t have time to dress perfectly and make Instagram-worthy meals and keep your house pristine and take on an abundance of work and keep your relationships thriving.
So what you choose instead is to wear what feels right and go out to dinner with your friends and spend your days on the projects that light you up inside and trust that your ongoing devotion to them will eventually culminate in a result so beautiful, a life so curated, you have no choice but to love it, you have no choice but to sit back and settle in and embrace what you’ve created.
The truth that almost nobody tells you is that what we try to do too perfectly we turn into its opposite.
We are not meant to be formulated and hustled and hacked, but embraced, allowed, and gently cultivated in the few areas that most make us come alive.
We humans thirst, crave, and ache the same way. We all want to be seen, heard, understood, appreciated, and desired. We seek a greater purpose, to be a part of something bigger than ourselves and to know a love that transcends space and time. These are the many traits that bind us together, and yet we’re too fixated on our individual defects to notice.
If something is harming an individual, it ultimately affects the whole, similar to how the death of a single tree in the forest affects the entire canopy. When we think poorly of ourselves or are self-loathing, the beautiful whole that we’re a part of feels it too.
The conflict we create with others usually stems from some deeper conflict within ourselves. It usually stems from a wound we neglected to heal, like a broken bone that never got realigned or held in place with a cast. Blood may clot and scars may form, but beneath it, the pain from all that is left unhealed lingers.
The same is true for pain that lives in the heart and spirit. If never healed properly, it lies dormant, waiting for a ripe moment to expose itself.
When we ignore our wounds, it becomes easy to bleed on those who didn’t hurt us. This is why healing them is so crucial. We project onto others how we feel internally, so if all we feel is sorrow then we are more likely to respond according to that feeling. Likewise, if our internal world is gleaming with rays of blissful sunshine, our outer world will not only feel it too, but it will be more inclined to match it.
Perhaps if we can learn to somehow mend ourselves, we can someday mend the world.
I do not believe that any person should deny their emotions or sweep them under the rug for the sake of optimism. In fact, I am vouching for quite the opposite. When we feel the bitterness of pain, sadness, or anger, we need to feel it to our core. We need to embrace it rather than push it away, because when we’re done confronting our darkest traumas, we can finally begin to heal.
The methods or timelines are not going to be the same for everyone, but sometimes just being aware of our unhealed parts is enough. Sometimes, just learning to let go of a moment that dug its thorns into us for years is enough. Sometimes just forgiving ourselves for our wrongdoings is enough. Sometimes just loving ourselves despite these twisted wounds is enough. Because if we can treat ourselves with such compassion, we can treat others with it too, and compassion might just be the antidote we’ve all been looking for.
Though we may admit this only to a trusted few, or perhaps just to ourselves, deep down, we tend to be rather hopeful that we will eventually live happily-ever-after – and these fairy-tale endings look different to everyone. For myself, I always pictured finding work that supported both my passion for contributing meaningfully to the community and my unflinching desire to have a wardrobe that rivalled Carrie Bradshaw’s, falling madly in love with a silly but soulful British musician with snake bites and flippy hair who was just as crazy about me, and settling down in a Victorian terrace that overlooked expansive wild gardens where our kids could ride their bikes and play fetch with the family dog. Specifically in that order.
But life rarely goes according to plan. It has a habit of dealing us a range of blows that often leave our goals and dreams shattered, actually. It is in these moments of disillusion that we as people can shatter too. I have felt broken and like my identity had, for a time, either been suspended, taken hostage, or annulled once or twice, and I might again. So have many others I suspect, especially those with mental health difficulties. I’ve come to realize, however, that these trying times that crack us open and tear us apart also present a whole spectrum of possibilities. Scars can be a reason to hide from – or face – the world. In Japan, they call this Kintsugi, where smashed pottery pieces are carefully picked up, reassembled, and glued back together with visible lacquer. The point is not to disguise the breaks but to render their fault lines as precious veins of gold, beautiful and strong. Shattered ceramics, just like shattered people, go from being things that are damaged to things that are made more extraordinary from that same damage.
In our very human, very messy lives, these breaks and breakdowns are inevitable, but I think it’s wise and healthy to view our wrong turns, detours, mistakes, and pauses as natural and part of the complicated and imperfect process of forging a self. They can be acutely painful and act as uncomfortable barriers that constrain us (and they regularly do!), but they can also be powerfully transformative.
I didn’t always share this Kintsugi perspective, though. In fact, it’s only been a very recent development. I am 28, but I was unwell for most of my childhood, adolescence, and early adulthood, diagnosed with a severe mental illness when I was 10 years old. With it came a devastating loss of certainty – about everything, including who I was – and a conviction that my brain was both defective and demonic. I believed I was evil for a time, fated to spend my days trapped inside the prison that was my chaotic and unbearably heavy mind or behind bars in an actual prison.
But fast forward 15 years, three semi-reluctant hospital admissions, and 200-odd visits to the psychologist’s office, I found myself thinking and feeling differently – I was ready to take on the world as a young adult who had worked on herself and healed enough to believe she could lead a normal, healthy life. I was going to be like any other 24-year-old. One of the first things I did when I relocated from one city to another, however, was fall for an abusive man. He was my first love, but it wasn’t like what you see in movies or read about in Nicholas Sparks’ novels. It was brutal and frightening and hopeless. It was, to put it bluntly, the kind of psychological trauma that threatens one’s safety, stability, and sanity.
I have spent much of this life trying to restore myself to something of an ‘original state,’ desperately seeking to conceal the damage done by these unpleasant lived experiences and leaving no room for their acceptance. Ultimately, though, I have epically, seismically failed – and I am so glad I have. While this distress placed me in a unique form of exile from myself, banishing me to a new foreign land within my body and mind where everything was unfamiliar, I have also come to realize that these chapters, as horrific as they were, have also changed me in some ways that I am grateful for. This is not to say that I am exceptionally grateful for the chapters as a whole, nor that I think my identity has done a complete 180. It is more that I acknowledge that certain parts of my core were strengthened on those pages. I can experience healing and edit my story by reevaluating the beliefs I hold about myself and updating my purpose, and I can now also appreciate the entirety of me – the shiny bits I like and the cracked, messier bits I’m less fond of but recognize are no less valuable.
To develop this sense of personal agency and start influencing the design of my life after quite literally losing my mind and slowly detaching myself from someone who broke my heart and my spirit, I had to bridge the gap between the ‘known and familiar’ and that which is ‘possible to know.’ I was stuck telling stories about my life that were solely based on the former, but these were overwhelmingly negative and cyclic. I had been swallowed by shame for two and half decades and it was only when I started being completely, disarmingly honest with myself and the people trying to help me that I learned to see the damaged parts as potentially valuable. They add to my story, but they aren’t my entire story. They have certainly held me back and made forging a self very difficult, forcing me to press pause and rewind many times over the years, but they have also allowed me to see identity as something that is fluid and ever-evolving – it no longer has to be fixed or well-defined. I no longer have to be fixed or well-defined either.
These rabbit holes could very well have stolen me from myself, and they did for a while. Survivors of any kind of terrible knock-back or trauma often fear they will never be the same again, like once their identity shatters, they will feel like strangers to themselves. But maybe that’s okay. Maybe change, as scary and unwelcome as it is, can even be a little unexpectedly good.
