If You Have Been Ghosted — This Is How You Heal And Move On

When we feel a deep connection with someone, when we start to foster a lot of hope within that connection, and we are allowing for ourselves to be vulnerable, and we are allowing someone into our lives and into our hearts, as people who feel deeply — that holds a lot of weight. It stands for something. So when those connections suddenly disappear, when this person or this friend leaves our lives without any explanation, when we have to set that hope down, that is so deeply dismantling. It can leave us feeling hurt, and incredibly confused. When this kind of loss occurs in our lives, when we don’t receive the closure we would so compassionately give to others, the main thing a human being is left to wonder is why? Why do we treat one another like this?

The truth is, when we look at the way we are dating within this generation, when we look at the almost consumerist approach we have taken towards creating connections, and meeting human beings, it really illustrates this reality where there is this loss of value in a connection with an individual person. And what I mean by that is, when you are inundated with options, and choices, and you have the capacity to almost shop around at all times, when you have access to all of those human beings, to all of that potential, the value of each option is diminished. If you just had to choose between two people, just two people to potentially give your heart to, they would hold a heavy amount of value in your life. But if you start adding in hundreds of people to the pool, if you start adding in all of those options, the value diminishes. This isn’t to say that each person doesn’t hold within them deep worthiness, but in the eyes of someone who might be approaching these people, in the back of their mind, they know that they can always find someone new. And I think that that is deeply affecting the way that we interact with one another. I think it is deeply affecting the way we connect, and the way that we stay present in these connections. Because how can you truly be present with someone if you’re also, trying to stay fully, 100% present with a handful of other people? We promise our love, and our time, and our effort and our energy, to so many human beings, and in the end, because of that, because we have always had one foot out the door, it is easy to leave. To just walk away.

The social responsibility of doing something like that has also diminished. There isn’t much of a social cost to walking away from someone in such a hurtful way. Years and years ago, you were often meeting people within your own friend group, or through family, and there was an accountability there, your actions were a direct reflection of your character to people you cared about, and if you weren’t an honest, or thoughtful person, that would affect your reputation. There was more urgency around ensuring that the way you exited someone’s life was graceful and kind. However, now we are dating digitally, and we are entering into so many text based connections, and casual meetings, that our lives don’t often become so enmeshed. Now all it takes is blocking someone to fully sever them from our lives, or unfollowing them on social media, and you don’t have to see the impact of your actions as intimately.

If you’re sitting with all of your feeling right now, if your heart is aching because you just don’t understand why you weren’t given any closure, I want you to understand that sometimes for human beings the difficult conversations are often the ones that are avoided with such intensity because they require a willingness to take responsibility for the way they are are affecting another person, they require this emotional intelligence that allows for them to do the hard thing, even if the impact of their actions or their honesty breaks someone’s heart. And no one wants to do that. No one wants to sit in front of a beautiful, caring, kind human being and tell them that they just want to keep their options open, or that they don’t feel as strongly within the connection as they once did. Those conversations are so deeply hard. They hang heavy in your chest. They take a lot of courage. A lot of human beings avoid these kinds of experiences, and moments, in their lives. In a way, despite the fact that they know someone deserves honesty, despite the fact that they know this person deserved closure, sometimes it is easier to walk away without doing so, because walking away without doing so means that they won’t have to see the impact of their hurt on a person. It’s out of sight, and out of mind, and while it makes them feel better, or while it makes them feel like they have managed to get the point across, it’s unkind. It isn’t compassionate. It isn’t fair to connect deeply with someone, and then to leave them in the dark with the weight of that connection.

For those of you who are dealing with this right now — I know how hard it can be. I know how difficult it can be to care so much for a person, to really believe in what you are feeling with them, to get excited about all of the small and nameless things you have experienced with them, to have this hope in your heart that this time they would stay, that this time your love would be met, that this time you would be given the same kind of care and empathy you so beautifully give to others, that this time, this time, you gave your heart to the right person. To be left holding all of that within yourself, to be left with this mixture of hope and confusion, to have it sitting like an ache in your stomach, it’s uncomfortable. Uncertainty is uncomfortable, and when we are not given the opportunity to understand why something had to end, when we are not given the opportunity to comprehend, and learn from an experience, to learn from a loss in a way that is constructive, and kind, when we are not given that reasoning, we can start to create that reasoning ourselves.

That is why ghosting can weigh so heavily on a human heart. The cruelty of ghosting is that you have to invent the reason for it, because that person has failed to explain it to you. You have to give yourself your own closure, you have to write your own ending.

And unfortunately, we automatically tell ourselves a negative story. We make it about us. We make it about lack. Our deepest insecurities are almost scratched upon. We mull over what we could have done differently. We speak the moments from our minds, we try to lay them out on the kitchen floor, comb through them for signs, for any insight into why we were treated this way by someone we genuinely cared about or could have cared about.

I know what it is like to have to sit with all of that inside of your mind, and your heart. I know what it is like to think that maybe you are hard to love. I know what it is like to wonder why someone just couldn’t respect you enough to be honest with you. These moments can leave you feeling ashamed, and upset, because you realize that you gave so much of yourself to someone who did not value it enough to stay, or to at least exit your life gracefully once they decided that they needed to dedicate their heart, or their time, to something different. I know how heavy it is. To wonder if you were too much. To wonder if you were not enough. To wonder if you just didn’t make that much of a difference in the life of someone you felt a connection with, to wonder if they saw you as someone who was disposable, or if they were just bored, or in need of attention, or validation. It hurts. It can really harden you to this world, it can make you not want to try again, it can make you lose hope in what you are deserving of, and what you are capable of giving another human being.

And so, to anyone trying to move on from being ghosted, from being left in the dark — I firstly just want to remind you that the way you care is something that I am in awe of. You don’t have to apologize for being the person who cares. You don’t have to question if you are worthy of being loved, or chosen, or respected. You have so much love to give that is good, and kind, and honest. And I know that sometimes in this generation that can feel like both a beautiful and burdensome thing. I know that sometimes you wish you can just casually approach your heart, that the way you feel so deeply can sometimes weather you in ways you’d rather avoid. But as I always say, stay open. Please, do not let this convince you that you do not have something beautiful to offer others. People like you exist in this world, people like you are out there, and you will find them. Don’t close yourself off to the beauty because you have felt the pain.

I know that might be hard to sit with right now. I know when it comes to these experiences, it can leave you doubting who you are, and the value of your love. But even on the days that feel darkest, remind yourself that someone’s inability to choose you does not mean that you are not worthy of being chosen. Someone’s inability to respect you does not mean that you are not worthy of respect. Someone’s inability to be honest with you, does not mean that you are not worthy of honesty. Someone’s inability to be kind to you, to exit your life with compassion, does not mean that you deserved for that to happen. This is not about you. This is not about the way you care, it is not about how much more you could have done, or how much cooler, or prettier, or more interesting you could have been. This is not about you. This is a them thing.

Because if someone would rather choose to pacify themselves, if someone cannot take a moment to be deeply honest, even when it is hard, even when it hurts, even when taking responsibility for that hurt is uncomfortable and tough, if someone would rather choose to walk away, to leave another human being in the dark — that is so deeply a them thing.

And how lucky are you to have been shown their character in that way? How lucky are you to have almost been saved from deepening a connection with someone who has to work on how they approach the hearts of others? Yes, it hurts. Yes, it is so deeply hurtful, and dismantling, to be treated in a way that makes you feel disposable, and unspecial, and unworthy. But I hope in time you start to realize that sometimes not getting what you want is a wonderful stroke of luck.

Because ghosting is a behaviour that filters people out for you. It truly comes down to that. It is a low-level behavior that teaches us in a very hard way that the person we were dealing with, the person we were placing our hope within, was never going to be able to meet it, because they haven’t met themselves deeply enough yet.

And what I mean by that is — sometimes people hurt us in these ways because they don’t understand the extent of their own hurt. Sometimes, people are avoidant, and they cannot handle closeness or conflict, they cannot handle the consequences to their actions, and instead of sitting with that, instead of learning how to heal that, learning how to accept good love, they choose external validation, they choose flightiness, they choose one foot out the door, they justify their actions, they avoid being deeply honest with themselves, and in turn it justifies them not having to be honest with you. That self-justification is one of the biggest red flags you could ever receive in a connection, or relationship. The capacity to justify any behavior that hurts another soul, just means that you yourself have not met your own hurt.

That awareness comes with time, and that awareness comes with courage, and that is this person’s own journey. In a way, we all have work within ourselves that is deserving of being done, but that we sometimes avoid. Because we don’t want to dig into that difficulty, we don’t want to feel that pain, or admit to ourselves that what we might have done in our pasts, or the mistakes we made, or the way we treated those who were genuine and kind towards us, was hurtful. Eventually in time, we meet those shadows, and we enter into healing those parts of ourselves, and forgiving ourselves, and teaching ourselves how to better approach the human beings we are becoming. But it isn’t easy. I don’t think anyone ever has the intention to deeply hurt another person. I don’t think that is the case at all. We can find compassion within that, as odd as that sounds, and understand that these people are lost and on their own journey towards healing the parts of themselves that choose the easy way out, healing the fear that keeps them avoidant, and from that we can move forward. It was never about you. Repeat that again: it was never about you.

It’s time to give yourself the closure you so deeply want from this person. We spend too long in this life wishing people could be different than they are. But we can’t change people. And we can’t change the way they left our lives. But we can control what we take from the experience. We can take control of the narrative, and remind ourselves that we deserve people in our lives who are kind and gentle with our hearts. We deserve goodness, and compassion. We deserve empathy. We deserve to meet people who honor who we are, and who are honest with themselves, and who know what they want. We deserve that kind of love, that kind of friendship, that kind of connection. We deserve to feel valued, and cared for. We deserve to feel valued. And someone who leaves your life in such a jarring, and uncaring way, is not the person who is going to give that to you, is not the person who is going to be able to hold your heart.

Right now, you might still be mourning the loss of their potential, you might be holding all of that hope inside of you, and that is okay. Feel your feelings, you are allowed to be upset about the way something transpired, about having to set all of that love down, even if you are now aware of how deeply this person is not for you. It takes time. So, for now, whenever you feel your heart ache and bubble over with regret or sadness, remind yourself that you gave something your all, and someone did not value that. Someone could not meet that. You want someone who can.

* This article was originally published here

A Love Letter To Anyone Wanting To Break Free From Societal Expectations

There are moments when I am envisioning my future and it feels like everything I’m manifesting is so in reach. Like it’s all waiting for me right at the ends of my fingertips. And then there are moments where I feel like I have no idea where to even begin. I contemplate my journey and I feel intimidated thinking about resuming my life again past this period of stillness we’ve been living in. And after feeling both of those things, I asked myself, “Why would resuming your life again make you feel intimidated?” And the answer I’ve come up with is that perhaps I wasn’t living my life entirely in the way that I wanted prior to covid. I have learned a lot in these past 10 months, but something that is speaking loud for me is this: If we keep reaching for things that are not giving us true fulfillment, we will eternally be reaching and never receiving. If we keep looking for answers outside of ourselves, we will always be looking and never discovering.

From a young age, we are programmed into thinking that there is a life structure we should seek in order to be prosperous—go to a prestigious school, land a lucrative job, work your way up the ladder, find a partner, get married, have kids, and so on. I have long contemplated this definition of a “successful” life and often wonder where the true fulfillment comes into play, and more so, why we believe in it so much. I am grateful for the support that I received from my family to nurture my artistry from the time I entered this world. I was always encouraged to follow my heart and was constantly reminded that I was capable of doing anything and everything I wanted to in this life. So, I began to forge my own path at a young age and I always pursued the creative passions that I had, even if they didn’t necessarily fit into this construct that I was exposed to.

In the past few years of my recent adulthood, I, without realizing it, started to lose this power and drive that I embodied when I was younger. I was being suffocated by the idea that this path I’ve begun to forge wasn’t the “right” path and that I needed to get a “real” job. I somehow convinced myself that my artistry would never be enough and that I was a failure. I stopped doing some of the most important things in my life, performing being one of them, out of fear that it wasn’t what I was supposed to be doing. I was so worried about meeting that illusionary standard that I was neglecting the very pieces of myself that make me who I am.

It’s been difficult for me to acknowledge that the way I want to live my life may not be the way that society wants me to live my life. How conditioned are we that we can’t even allow ourselves to be free and not feel guilty about it? Free of outside pressures, free of the “need” to have this or do that, or be “successful” or get a “real” job, all on some imaginary timeline, nonetheless. Who defines these things? Where are YOU in that equation? Are you slowly losing yourself to that illusion of a standard that will only bring you further from who you truly are?

I will always be an artist. It is who I am and it is who I’ve always been. And although my orbit has been at a standstill, I’ve come to realize that as long as I am doing the things that I love, even if it’s in my childhood home at 25 years old, I am certain I will always feel true joy and fulfillment. I have been creating and making art more in the past 10 months than I have in years. Writing poetry and essays, making music, singing and playing instruments, dancing and painting. I am doing these things for me, not for anyone else. I have taken more pride in my crafts because I feel that I am beginning to do things the way that I want instead of the way I am “supposed” to. To me, that is a definition of success I would much rather hold on to.

There is a blissful feeling that is attained upon entering into the awareness that we already have everything that we will ever need within ourselves.

All of the external reaching and lack of internal exploring is where we begin to lose who we are. The feeling of not being enough in this world is a fictitious notion that we somehow convince ourselves of, which in turn veers you to believe that you need to change yourself or become something else. Well, I am here to tell you that you are enough. You are more than enough just the way you are.

Despite this past year being one of the darkest of my life thus far, I am proud of myself for reawakening the places within that I had previously been neglecting. I am proud of myself for coming to these realizations that I know will guide me into my next human phase. I know that as long as I continue to listen to my heart and inner-truths, I am already creating the reality that I envision as I write this. It may not be tangible yet, which makes it difficult to grasp, but we must remember that the spirit is always hard at work. Even during this period of suffering and stagnation, the spirit is vibrating and receiving frequencies that may not be visible, but they are there. 

In all that has been said, I hope this message (if anything) reminds you to never let go of the things that make you who you are. All of the dreams, the visions, the passions that you are pushing aside, what is stopping you from pursuing them? I’m not here to tell you to swear off society and rebel against everything you know, I’m just here to tell you that you are the creator of your reality and if your desires don’t fit into the structure you are presumed to be following, it is your right to create your own path—with no shame. You were not built to fit inside of a cookie cutter, so don’t slice off parts of yourself just to squeeze into that shape. Even if it doesn’t make the most money or live up to cultural standards, I hope you choose the things that bring you true bliss anyway. I hope you remember that there is not one way to live. There is your way to live. You are driving the car and those voices instilling fear and doubt are the backseat drivers. Do not listen to them. Choose to keep driving at your own pace, on your own road, with your own passions, values, and beliefs.

Success is not something we should strive for outside of ourselves, it is something that is birthed within.

And I promise everything you will ever need already resides in you.

So, as we continue through this cycle, my hope is that we all tap into this sacred, inner-power that lives within each and every one of us. My hope is that we all find true joy and peace within ourselves. And then perhaps as a whole, we can get to a place where we begin to share that peace and love with one another more steadily.

Now go and wrap your arms around yourself. Give gratitude to all that you are and all that you are becoming. Honor your light and always remember: There is truly no one else in this universe like you.

* This article was originally published here

Joy Tan: Why it is essential to make time for personal development

Make time for personal development: We’re all so busy and it’s easy to get carried away by your work. There was a time when I was constantly dealing …

* This article was originally published here

When You’re Struggling To Feel Okay, Read This

This is your reminder to stop and take a breath. And I do not just mean the way in which you simply let your lungs carry your chest up and down. I mean the kind of breath in which you take a step outside and fill up the space within your ribcage with the delicate paintings that are the morning sky. Fill up your heart with the curiosity and the comfort that lie embedded behind each shade and color inside the clouds. Notice how gracefully they dance away, taking the mornings away with them.

This is your reminder to breathe deeply through those tender moments, the kind that arise at the end of a long day and stick to your soul with weight. Remember to take each day as it comes and to breathe through the heaviness even when it feels as though it is weighing down the fragments of hope that you hold within. Breathe through the way it feels to have no idea where you are going or what your next step will be.

Find the beauty that exists inside the knowing that no matter where you end up, you are so guided, so loved, so cherished with every step you take. Find the beauty within having so much time to figure things out—within having so much time to explore your dreams and your passions and the things that stir something beautiful inside of you. And when you do, when you discover the things that feel like silk when you meet the humans who are like honey, do not let them go. Do not let them slip through your fingertips; instead, I need you to hold onto them with conviction, with so much strength and delicacy. I need you to cradle and to nurture them closely as you breathe deeply through this messy and magical journey.

This is your reminder to be kinder to yourself. A reminder to be gentle with your heart as you wake up to the mornings that grip at your chest with worry and stress and fear. A reminder to carefully unhinge that grip ever-so-slightly and know you are doing your best. Believe me, I know that some days your best might look like going out into the world with outstretched arms and a warm smile, or it will look like having a surge of motivation glide through your bones, even when fear is sitting right beside you. Even when it is demanding to be felt. And other days, your best will look like small celebrations after building up the strength to climb out of bed, or it will look like the way in which you cradle your trembling fingertips as you try to make sense of the days that feel messy, of the days that feel all over the place. But please, have the courage to understand that to feel your feelings is a brave thing to do, and I am proud of you. Have the courage to trust—to trust yourself, to trust in the divine timing of where you are. Trust that things do get better, that everything is going to work out perfectly for you, that you are going to be okay.

This is your reminder to believe in who you are, to believe in who you are becoming. To put yourself first and to be selfish when it comes down to your heart, when it comes down to your wellbeing. To fall in love with the journey of falling in love with yourself, to take the time to sit and to be still inside the present moment, to cherish and to nurture the body you are in, the body that is your home. I hope you remind yourself to take that leap, to dive deeper into connection, into conversation, into the things that hug at your ribcage and soften your heartstrings. Dive deeper into the hearts of those who hold you close, who inspire your growth and who no matter what choose you every single time. Dive into the hearts of those who are not perfect but who add to the happiness you bring into this world, who add to the wholeness you are made up of. I hope you remind yourself to follow your dreams, to let your intuition guide you through on your journey and to listen to your gut always. And I hope you remind yourself to show up for the things and the people who leave your soul burning with passion, who leave you enveloped in inspiration to become a better person for your own future, for the people around you.

But most importantly, for yourself.

* This article was originally published here

I’ve Been Loving Myself All Wrong

A few weeks ago, my therapist asked me if I loved myself. After years of being obsessed with self-help and trying every personal development tool out there, I responded with an enthusiastic, “Of course!” Then she pressed me harder. What did I love about myself?

She asked me to name 10 things, and I could quickly start naming qualities about myself that I liked — after all, I’ve done this exercise plenty of times between endless workshops and gratitude journals. When I was done with the list, I smiled at the Zoom camera like an elementary school student ready to receive their gold star.

I love myself! I’ve made it to the pinnacle of the self-help world. But if all of that was true, then why did I still feel so stuck? So lost? So unsure of myself? And waiting for my therapist to tell me, “Good job, you don’t need me anymore.”

That’s when it dawned on me. I realized I was so focused on fixing myself that I couldn’t truly love myself. I’d been so focused on improving, trying to “reach my highest potential,” and on healing that I hadn’t allowed myself to love myself as I am. A little lost. A little weird. A little chaotic. But a lot lovable all the same.

I’ve spent my entire life trying to achieve the next level of perfection—the next gold star. A new self-help book came out? I need to read it. Another personality test? Must take it. A goal met? Time to step up to the next destination — that last one was not enough. Never enough.

You know that moment when you’re hiking and you reach the top of something? You look down at where you started and can’t help but smile in this really still and soft moment that feels like an eternity even if it’s only a few seconds? It’s the moment when the world seems bigger, and no mountain seems too tall.

Yet in my own life, after every mountain I climbed, I never let myself enjoy the peak. I never let myself stand at the top and admire the view. Instead, I continued breathlessly as my ego told me this was still not enough. Instead, my ego would say to me that I loved my resolve, my work ethic, and my determination.

If I could call out these qualities, then I must love myself, right?

But here’s the thing. Loving yourself isn’t patting yourself on the back at the top while at the same time using that same hand to push yourself even further.

Loving yourself is about holding space for yourself when you’re mid-journey and tired. When your knees are scraped and your boots are covered with dirt. When you trip and land on your butt. When you are lost and feeling like you’ve been walking in circles for years.

Loving yourself isn’t reserved for the peaks in your life. Loving yourself is made for every step — no matter how dirty or messy or unbalanced those steps may be. Loving yourself is not about pushing yourself to the next level. It’s about pulling yourself up when you’re down (or letting yourself stay down for a while just to catch your breath without it feeling like a failure).

I realized that I am not a self-improvement project. I am not a project at all. I am me — imperfect and so worth loving. After this reflection, I threw away the list of 10 items I told my therapist I loved and I started over.

I wrote a love letter to the broken parts of me. The WTF-was-that parts. The mistakes. The falls. The doubts. I wrote a love letter to all the parts of me that I’ve tried to hide. And you know what? It felt good to be seen not as who I could be but as who I am.

So here’s to loving yourself truly. To being rather than improving. To being enough, always.

* This article was originally published here

Today Is A Great Day To Do That Thing You’ve Always Wanted To Do

Believe me when I say I am guilty of putting the things I want to do (especially the ones for fun) on the back burner all the time because I always feel like things need to be perfect first. That or I’ll find something else that is “more important” at the moment. My brain turns into chaos. The setting needs to be perfect; the timing needs to be right. I need this new notebook, better clothes, better physique, the top of the line art materials, or this other specific equipment. The laundry needs to get done first; I haven’t cleaned the house in, well, 12 hours, so why not do that first? And maybe tomorrow or Monday next week will be a better day to start because there’s this entire whole other list of things that require my attention first.

I’m learning though that all that – the things we tell ourselves as to why we can’t just do something — is more than just excuses and reasons. Sometimes they’re just lies. And the more we welcome these lies and allow them to sit in our brains, the more they get comfortable staying until they are no longer temporary visitors but permanent barriers to living a meaningful life. To having fun. To doing things that ignite happiness in our souls and provide us with a sense of purpose. To just doing the dang thing, whatever that may be for you and me.

The truth is today is as great a day as any to do that thing you’ve always wanted to do.

Today is a great day to pick up the guitar, whether it’s something you just want to learn so you can finally channel your inner Taylor Swift (sans the air guitar) or it’s a passion that serves as an outlet that you’ve cased up and put in the back of your closet, collecting dust, because you decided your professional identity lies elsewhere instead of on stage with screaming fans, groupies, and billowing smoke effects. You don’t have to suddenly change your life and become a Rockstar. Today, just grab that guitar, warm up your fingers, strum and hum, and let the music take you to places you’ve been yearning to visit or haven’t been to in a long, long time.

Today is a great day to pluck a book out of your shelf. it’s been ages since you sat down to read for pleasure, but you’ve been longing to do it for months now. You’ve been daydreaming of how relaxing it would be to just kick your feet up or curl up in bed or sink into the depths of your tub while escaping reality even for just a few hours. Today, pick a book, crack it open, start reading, and just let your mind wander. I promise reality will still be there even if you make it past the epilogue.

Today is a great day to power up your computer, open your favorite word processing software, and pour out all the ideas you’ve been storing in that creative brain of yours. You’ve been aching to tell a story, to fill pages upon pages with words, to share how you perceive the world, to create all the inspiring, quotable metaphors. Writing them down and letting them out is just one step—a step that is more for you than anybody else. It doesn’t have to be perfect because you get to control what happens to these words. They’re yours and yours alone. So today, write it all down. Write it down until your hand aches or let your fingers fly off the keyboard, pounding keys after keys, until the story – your story – is out of you, immortalized and forged in ink.

Whatever else it is – walking more, running longer, lifting heavier, bringing your artistic vision to life, starting an Etsy shop, launching a website, creating a blog, trying a new recipe, asking for a promotion you and everyone else know you’ve earned – today is a great day to do it.

By all means, conduct a risk assessment, stay within your budget and means, do what you have to do to stay out of trouble (physically, mentally, emotionally, and even financially). But please don’t let the fear of starting something, of being a beginner, of things not being perfect enough, of all the lies stop you from doing what you’ve always wanted to do and achieving the joy that results from it.

Yes, there are plenty of things in the world that require time, thinking, hesitance, and thorough preparation. Yes, there are things that warrant fear sometimes. But there are also so many things that just require you to say yes and start. You don’t have to sacrifice your livelihood and compromise your routines and responsibilities. It only takes very little to begin some of the things you want to do. In most cases, you’ll find that what you need to start is already around and/or within you. Don’t make the enjoyable things – your dreams and passions and interests and hopes – be the reason you can’t sleep at night or the reason you can’t sit still or feel like you have no purpose, no life, no calling.

Our time in this magnificent world is way too short for that. Dig deep, carve out time intentionally, enjoy the process, and just do the dang thing.

* This article was originally published here

The Top 3 Ways That Mindfulness Empowers Womxn

Mindfulness isn't just about relaxation. It can be a potent tool for social change. When I first heard about mindfulness I thought of it as a personal …

* This article was originally published here

How Omitting Explanations Will Make Your “No” So Much More Powerful

I once had a male friend who wanted to be more than friends. So he took that brave step and asked me out.

I said no and then gave him an explanation — I valued our friendship but did not see him as more than friends. I thought that was the end of it.

Over the following years, he asked me out over a dozen times. My answer never changed. But my reasons got more and more creative.

“Oh, I just started dating someone. I am in loooove!” (Unlikely)

“I would love to but . . . book deadline. Gotta make those deadlines.” (Impossible)

“Oh, gosh. I can’t tonight. It’s laundry night, and I am determined to match all my socks by the end of the night.” (Inconceivable)

We have all been there. We say that magical word “No,” and it doesn’t transport us into a place of serenity. Instead, it stirs up a hornet’s nest, and we end up swatting away someone trying to turn our no into a yes. They give their reasons, and suddenly you have been persuaded to do exactly the thing you didn’t want to do.

Women especially suffer through the sins of saying no. We are conditioned to play nice from the moment pink ribbons doll up our no shaking skulls. When a woman says no, men (not all, but too many) are accustomed to debating her reasons. “Don’t take no for an answer” is the battle cry of strong men.

Women have been conditioned to repeat a different mantra—”No means no.”

And we are so tired of saying no and then having to give a reason.

Most people can’t help wanting to hear a reason. Humans like to have explanations for behaviors. “Because” is a comforting word. When we hear “because” our brains go into autopilot and we are more likely to be compliant.

This is why the word “because” is so sneaky and manipulative. And one of my favorite psychology experiments can prove it.

This study revealed why “because” is so problematic — it manipulates people into lowering their boundaries.

How “because” weakens boundaries.

Known as the infamous “Copy Machine Study,” in 1977, researchers would spot someone waiting in line at the library to use the copy machine. Then they would have an actor approach the person in line and ask to cut it.

The cutter asked to cut the line in three different ways:

1. “Excuse me, I have 5 pages. May I use the Xerox machine?”
2. “Excuse me, I have 5 pages. May I use the Xerox machine because I’m in a rush?”
3. “Excuse me, I have 5 pages. May I use the Xerox machine because I have to make copies?”

Obviously, the last one was nonsensical. Clearly, a Xerox machine makes copies.

Here was the success rate for skipping the line:

1. 60 percent were allowed to skip the line.
2. 94 percent were allowed to skip the line.
3. 93 percent were allowed to skip the line.

Naturally, researchers were surprised number three was so effective. Whether spoken or heard, the word “because” made people more likely to acquiesce. This study revealed why “because” is so problematic — it manipulates people into lowering their boundaries.

Behavioral investigator Vanessa van Edwards has also found that giving reasons impairs your ability to say no because it allows the requester to modify their request to get you to say yes.

For example, you tell someone you can’t go to a party because you have your kids. The inviter responds by saying, bring your kids.

According to van Edwards’ research, “By simply thanking people for their request and telling them that you can’t agree to it, you prevent them from arguing with you.”

“No,” closes the door. “Because” leaves it open a crack and lets the vermin inside.

What if more people said no and then didn’t give a reason?

For example, an annoying friend who always makes time demands asks you for another ridiculous favor. Don’t say, “I am sorry. I can’t because I have a work deadline that day.”

Just say no without a because.

Or maybe you put a guy firmly in the friend zone. When he asks you out for the third time, don’t give the same speech you gave him the first time. Don’t say you can’t go out with him because you value your friendship and do not feel any chemistry.

Just say no without a because.

As soon as you give a boundary-pusher a reason, it gives them a chance to debate and negate your reason. If more people just said no and then nothing, we would have fewer frustrated people-pleasers in the world.

Of course, there are times when you need to clearly communicate the reason behind your no. But you only need to do that once. Boundary-pushers are often given a reason, but they choose not to accept that reason. So the boundary maker is then forced to continue to remind the boundary-pusher why there is a boundary. This gets exhausting.

Small lies weaken your No.

Sometimes when we say no to someone, we follow it with small lies to strengthen our boundaries.

Let’s get clear about one thing — emotionally mature people don’t need to lie to communicate their boundaries.

Yet, we are all sometimes guilty of lying to make saying no easier. When we reject someone or say no to a request of our time, we often lie to protect their feelings or protect our self-interests. We don’t want to tell the person the real reason why we are saying no — we simply don’t want to.

Saying no is so hard because we fear someone won’t like us if we put our needs first. But saying no is not always selfish. Often, it is a sign of self-love.

When a woman says no, men expect a “because” to follow.

The song “Baby, It’s Cold Outside” is a perfect example of this phenomenon. It’s culturally known as “that rapey song” about a woman trying to leave a man’s company, but he keeps giving her reasons to stay. But the one reason he keeps coming back to is — “it’s cold outside.”

She gives him the following reasons why she can’t stay:

“My mother will start to worry.”

“My father will be pacing the floor.”

“The neighbors might think.”

“My sister will be suspicious.”

“My brother will be there at the door.”

What do all of these reasons have in common? They are all focused on what society will think of her. But what if she had just said no to her gentleman seducer without excuses? Or better yet, what if she said yes, stayed the night, and had mad, passionate, hot sex without any guilt?

In both cases, there wouldn’t be much of a song then.

There is a power in the word no. And it’s ugly stepsister — because — weakens that power.

So next time you have to say no to someone, try this little exercise — after you say no, don’t give an explanation.

This article was originally published on PS I Love You. Relationships Now.

* This article was originally published here

Read This When You’re Struggling Just To Feel Okay

When your first moments upon waking transition from ignorant bliss to a churning stomach and serrated thoughts, it’s okay.

When your days start to resemble a well-rehearsed production and you’re the extra going through the motions backstage, it’s okay.

When you feel as though someone strapped dumbbells to your ankles and every task feels like an uphill battle, it’s okay.

You’re allowed to succumb to your sorrow and be a slave to misery every once in a while. No one said you have to glue the fragments of your life back into a picture that those on the outside looking in will approve of.

If one passing thought tells you there’s no point to this hollow world we live in, it’s okay.

If the next fleeting thought tells you that your birth was a mistake and that you don’t add value to the human ensemble, it’s okay.

Like every hero, you’re allowed to have weaknesses.

Everyone feels like a plastic bag blowing in the wind sometimes. Everyone feels like their strength is no match for the heaviness of their emotions. Yet we all consciously show up every day.

We retract our claws even when our well-being is tampered with. We exhale deeply despite not catching our breath. We extend a tender hand to a stranger in need, irrespective of our troubled upbringing. Every single day, we prove ourselves warriors.

Try to remember that tears at night are only visitors and listen carefully to what they tell you. Is there something in your life that needs to change? Are there too many antagonists plotting to put you in harm’s way? And what about your imagination? Are you making time for it? Have you allowed your heart the freedom to go where it wants?

Those tormenting feelings in your gut are infamous indicators that you’re not listening to your inner-self. It’s okay to not be okay, but what’s not okay is neglecting to examine these feelings.

Even if you don’t fully understand the pricks and prods of your emotions because they are nonsensical and out of your jurisdiction, don’t be afraid to face them. Don’t be afraid to face indignity, fear, or a prolonged pain from your former years.

It’s often in the nooks of our deepest hiding places that we uncover the root of who we are. It’s where we discover we’ve been playing a part in someone else’s show or were moving so rapidly that we forgot to watch the yolk of the sun roll down beneath the felt green hills.

If you don’t feel okay right now, or 10 minutes from now, tomorrow, next month, or next year, it’s honestly okay. But embrace those emotions. Let them fill every morsel of you. Because as difficult as it may seem, this is where you surmount them.

Once you confront all that rumbles beneath your exterior, you can release it. You can release it back into the darkness it hailed from and rediscover your freedom.

You don’t have to pretend to have it all together when you’re catastrophically falling apart. You just need to know the difference between the You that sabotages and the You that overcomes. Within each of us lies a hero and a villain.

Recognize when you’re being your own villain and overcome yourself.

* This article was originally published here

8 Practical Ways To Start Living Your Best Life In 2021

1. Stop worrying so much about what other people think.

How many times have you missed out on something because you feared what others would think? How many times have you wanted to say something, wear something, do something, go somewhere, be something, yet stopped yourself in fear of judgment and criticism from others? Start focusing on doing the things you want to do and being who you want to be, regardless of another person’s thoughts on it. Who are they to stop you? Who are they to criticize or mock you? Don’t hide your knowledge or skills, don’t hide your creativity or authenticity. Don’t hide parts of yourself just because you’re afraid of somebody else’s disapproval. At the end of the day, these people have no business in how you choose to live your life, so don’t waste your potential caring about their opinions of you.

2. Start practicing self-care often.

Self-care doesn’t always mean trips to the spa for pamper days or retail therapy. It can be as simple as reading your favorite book, taking a walk in nature, or making a cup of tea in your favorite mug and taking five minutes to yourself. We get so caught up in our busy lives that often we forget to take time out to pause, to relax, to refresh and reflect on ourselves and our lives. It’s so important to be able to allocate time to practice self-care, whether that’s half an hour a day or a few hours each week to spend doing the things you love to do.

3. Remove toxic connections from your life. 

Let’s all make this the year where we remove all of the negative connections from our lives. If you have someone in your life who makes you feel extremely drained and negative every time you spend together, maybe it’s time to reevaluate the relationship. Learn to let go of past friends, ex-lovers, and people who you’ve been keeping in your world due to obligation or habit. Instead, make way for new, positive, and authentic connections that align with who you are and what you value in life.

4. Take some time for personal reflection.

It’s so easy to just go through life without asking yourself if what you’re actually doing is negatively impacting your life. We’re often so caught up in our work, relationships, friendships, and events that we rarely stop to question if the choices we’re making are good for our physical and mental health. Think back on the past couple of years and reflect on the choices you have made and ask yourself the following questions: What made you feel the happiest? When did you feel the healthiest? What moments stand out the most? What did you struggle with or what moments didn’t you enjoy? Write some things down and pinpoint moments that didn’t make you feel good, the moments that didn’t add value to your life, the moments that you feel regret, shame, or guilt and ask yourself, Am I still repeating this behavior? If so, it may be time to start being more mindful about how you’re living your life and think about what changes you can implement to better yourself.

5. Organize and declutter your space.

Having a clear, clutter-free, and organized space can be something that is often overlooked yet contributes so much to your sense of peace, happiness, and overall mental health. Take some time each week to clean and organize your desk space, your room, or your house for the following week. You’ll be surprised how clear your mind becomes when the environment that you surround yourself in is no longer disorganized.

6. Prioritize more time for the ones you love.

Taking time out to spend with those you love is a guaranteed way of making your life so much better. Don’t get so caught up with prioritizing work and everyday mundane tasks, that you forget to prioritize the things that actually matter. Make some plans each week with your family or close friends in order to keep a healthy work-life balance and to give you something to look forward to.

7. Pick three main goals for the year and actively work towards them.

At the start of every new year, we often get so consumed with making new year’s resolutions and goals for the year. We put so much pressure on ourselves to set out to accomplish everything on our lists, which often leaves us feeling completely overwhelmed. Instead of setting impractical and unachievable goals this year, choose three attainable goals and break them down into smaller tasks each month. This way, you’ll focus on doing smaller tasks each month that will eventually lead to achieving your three main goals at the end of the year.

8. Start a daily gratitude journal.

Each day, list three things that you’re grateful for in your life. It could be having a loving and honest relationship, having an enjoyable day at your job, being able to call a family member, or even something as small as watching your favorite tv show. Whatever it is, over time you’ll start to notice that you’re focusing on the positives and the things you’re grateful for instead of all the things you’re not.

* This article was originally published here

A Lack of Clarity Will Undoubtedly Stunt Your Growth

Personal development has changed lives and given us the tools we need to reach our goals. Personal development has changed lives. It has given us the …

* This article was originally published here

What Going To The Park Daily Did For My Creativity

As writers, we often spend hours hunched on our desks, awaiting inspiration. I was sitting there too, staring eye-to-eye at a blank paper. It had been almost three weeks since I had written a single verse of poetry. 

The words just weren’t coming to me. 

Even at my freelancing gig, I was stuck on an article, unsure where to begin, what to write, and how to proceed. I didn’t know what to do, caught in a muddy writing slump. 

Hunting new ways of self-care for creators, I stumbled onto research examining the impact of nature on productivity. The paper proved that being near nature can help enhance creative ways of thinking, especially the preparation phase (ideation and/or collecting enough information) and the incubation phase (contemplation) of the creative process. 

I remembered all the circular walks I used to take in the park pre-pandemic. But I hardly ever walked in stillness. I used music to drown the noise of cheering children. I decided to give the quiet-do-nothing-else-walk a shot. 

I found a desolate park right around the block, empty of people in sunny winter afternoons. So, I took my mask, sprayed my sanitizer, and picked up my diary as I ditched the earphones. Initially, it was nothing extraordinary. I used to think about the tasks pending at home and work, plan my next hour, wonder what I’ll have for dinner, etc. 

But after a week or so, my mind quietened. I started noticing the different flowers, unusual leaves, and XXL trees. On an exceptionally bright day, I felt like I was a baby rocking back and forth in nature’s crib. It felt therapeutic, but it didn’t solve my many problems; it just temporarily flew me away from them. 

After a couple of weeks, I became familiar with the park. My mind wandered from the neighbor’s window, to the old swing set, and to a (Eureka!) moment of inspiration. I had finally landed on it! The lines of a poem simply showed their face to me. Thankfully, my optimism had allowed me to carry my diary still, and I wrote my fleeting ideas quickly. A couple of days later, I cracked that freelancing-article problem with the strongest Thor-hammer. 

I was astonished. I was so sure that this slump might just last indefinitely. Then, I remembered what I had known all along: that nature has been a nurturer of creativity for many authors before me. 

Mary Oliver went on long walks in the early mornings with her diary. “I could not be a poet without the natural world,” she said. Whitman celebrated the natural world through his poems like  “When Lilacs Last in the Dooryard Bloom’d.” He believed humans are a natural part of the world and will continue to be even after death. Thoreau believed physical engagement with nature had a direct effect on a writer’s prose. Atwood advises either going to sleep or going for a walk when you’re stuck on a story. 

I don’t know why nature has continued to birth creative inspiration to creators of all kinds. Maybe the fresh air gets us thinking in a way a static desk cannot. Maybe it is the powerful all-giving sunshine that boosts serotonin. Or maybe it is just the simple fact that being outside can boost mental health.

Whatever the reason, it is a great way to escape, to take a short break, to spend a few minutes in leisure. I always feel rested when I come back from my walk, yet my mind cannot stop popping new ideas or resolve the old ones. 

Now, I go to the park at least four times a week. But when there’s too much to tackle, and a blank-paper syndrome is onto me, I know I need to walk a little longer. 

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Rochi is a staff writer at Elite Content Marketer and a closet poet. If you believe there is nothing that cannot be cured by watching a F.R.I.E.N.D.S episode and relishing fresh poetry, sign up for her weekly newsletter. 

The post What Going To The Park Daily Did For My Creativity appeared first on Pick the Brain | Motivation and Self Improvement.

* This article was originally published here

Read This If You Can’t Stop Self-Sabotaging

I can’t help but notice the subtle, easy way my thoughts linger on my flaws, stretching them out like a punchline to a comedy skit, as I say yet another self-deprecating joke in front of my friends. It always comes out suddenly and casually, like I’m reading the weather forecast off my phone or spilling the gossip about which celebrity couple I fawn over the most.

Self-sabotage finds different ways to hold my confidence hostage, telling me that I am undeserving of loving myself and embracing my imperfections, even in front of other people.

It’s almost enough to make me want to scream sometimes. Why is it that most of the time, we try to gloss over the parts of ourselves we should be most gentle to by using cruel humor and roll-of-the-eyes sighing to justify our insecurities? Why is it such a struggle to find ways to be friends with the parts of ourselves still growing and blossoming?

My self-sabotage sometimes makes me feel like I’m in a desert with no one else to rely on for that life-saving glass of water. I am parched by all my intrusive, mean thoughts and I can’t ever seem to find the cactus of destiny that will offer me the quick relief that I’ve been quite desperately needing for so long.

I am so sick and tired of squinting through this desert sandstorm of self-pity and self-hatred, trying to find my way through but knocking my own self down again and again, the possibility of loving myself lost in those strong winds. Once I think I reach a safe place, the doubts and reminders of my past failures and rejections creep back in. And not soon after, the buzzards come and the sand-storm begins all over again.

It’s a constant battle with your own self to learn that we are worthy of goodness and love, most generously given by not other people, but our own hearts.

Self-sabotage is truly a matter of life and death sometimes.

By not believing in ourselves, by not choosing to be gentle to ourselves, we take away the respect that we need others to give us. By treating ourselves with a lack of love and empathy, we give permission to other people to treat us unkindly and without the proper respect that we all need in order to set safe boundaries for our success.

Please repeat after me, dear friend: In the workplace, in our relationships, in our own minds, self-sabotage does not have a place here. We are deserving of all the love, goodness, and happiness in the world.

There is already so much unkindness out there. Please do not allow yourself to be another thing holding yourself back from achieving what you were always meant to.

I believe in you, friend. You do have the capability to make your dreams come true, to meet great people that will hold you accountable for being the best version of yourself possible, to find passionate and unexpected love within your own inner being.

It’s easy to reject our feelings and ruin good opportunities for ourselves. Sometimes it’s easier to avoid a familiar feeling of excitement again because we’re afraid of reliving our past experiences and getting hurt. Sometimes it’s easier to say no to that date, to say no to a promotion opportunity, to say no to trying something new that you’ve always wanted to do.

But if we never choose to go forward and try again, how will we ever know that life does get better?

Self-sabotage is a monster. And sometimes, she is hard to control, to reign in and calm down. She makes us want to stay where we are, frozen stuck in time.

But your own joy is too precious to throw away for fear of failure, for fear of rejection, for fear of unworthiness. Your future self is counting on you to make the difficult decision to keep persevering, to keep finding light and beauty within your insecurities, even when your mind is telling you differently.

Self-sabotage is a desert sand-storm, preventing us from finding contentment and seeing our beautiful, imperfect selves in the proper light.

But in choosing to be gentle with ourselves, in deciding to be kind to our flaws and imperfections in order to keep growing as people, we can find the solution, after all.

The first step is to acknowledge our pain, our fears, our worries. To keep on pushing ourselves forward, and choosing not to let our insecurities voice their doubts to us. To not let intentional self-sabotage win. You are not alone, and every step you take towards loving yourself matters. You can do this, and I can, too.

In doing the hard things, including appreciating ourselves, we can begin to walk the path of letting ourselves succeed and finally start to quench the thirst that we’ve been struggling with for so long. With newfound gentleness, we can discover that we do have what it takes to finally stop the blowing, bristling winds of self-doubt and self-sabotage and drench ourselves in the rainfall of loving ourselves, precious flaws and all.

* This article was originally published here